G

I have a friend named G. If you didn't know her better, you'd never guess the grossly misled self-perception she holds of herself. She's no catwalk model. But she's not ugly either. Yet in her eyes she sees a flawed woman when she looks in the mirror and this terrorises her romantic life.

I've known her for almost 15 years, but only recently realised the extent and seriousness of her problem. She is terrified of the man she really likes discovering that she isn't, after all, Ms. Perfect. I don't know where this obsession with being perfect - whether it be in terms of beauty, intelligence, etc - comes from. Perhaps it was something her siblings kept telling her when they were kids. Kids say the meanest things sometimes, as you know. Only G can get to the root of the cause.

Due to this little handicap of hers, G is afraid of getting into a serious relationship. All for her fears of being rejected. I've reminded her countless times, if the guy doesn't like her for who she truly is, then he's not worth her time. But somehow, this message fails to sink in with her.

I know only of this one stigma she holds in her mind about herself - that she's somehow flawed. Imperfect. Not like most of the girls she hangs out with. Maybe that's where the problem lies. She hangs out with girls who are models, luxe ladies-of-leisure and accomplished corporate bitch-types. To her, they seem perfect. You can't compete with those lot you know. And in any case, why would you want to? But G is raised in a completely different environment than I. I can afford being unimpressed and unconcerned about being 'in'. I wish G can be the same way, perhaps she'd be more relaxed and not worry so much about going out on dates and being in relationships, whether they are serious ones or not.

In the course of our three hour lunch date the other day, I said many things. Things I hope would help her with her problem. There are two suitors who have shown interest in her at the moment. She likes both of them. But in her typical defensive reaction to men she likes, she acted as though she couldn't care less about them, resisted their attentions. I urged her to call them and ask them out on dates. Separately of course. She freaked out at the suggestion.

I can't remember the entire discourse of the three hour lunch date with G  But one thing I know, she instantly picked up on my completely casual mention that rich, handsome guys like the two she's interested in are probably used to drop-dead gorgeous girls throwing themselves at them. So these dudes are probably looking for some more down-to-earth company; real girls who are not just about putting on airs and impressing others. Just normal girls like G  The minute those words left my mouth, I knew somehow that that is the one thing that will stick in her mind from our three hour conversation - that she is ‘just normal'. Yep, normal. Not beautiful, not gorgeous, not mysterious. Just normal. I could see the split second reaction in her eyes. The disappointment. I could almost hear the re-affirmation in her mind that says, 'See? It's true. Even she thinks I'm not pretty'. Maybe in her mind, she interpreted what I said as 'she's nothing special' or worse, 'she's nobody'. That's certainly not what I meant.

I'm curious to find out the source of her obsession with being just like all those other glamorous girls she hangs out with. Maybe it was her mother, father, sister, brother, cousin - whoever - who said that she wasn't pretty enough or rich enough, or intelligent enough, or simply wasn't good enough for a good looking, well to do guy to be genuinely interested in her. When you grow up being told these things, you absorb it into your psyche. The hardest part is dislodging these negative self images in your own mind. In G s case, as soon as a decent good-looking, well to do guy looks her way, her defence mechanism automatically goes on red alert and she immediately suspects he might just be after her for sex. Even before they go on a first date, she's already worrying that he may not really be genuinely interested in her. And that causes havoc in her own budding feelings towards the guy.

It's a mess.