How is this going to work? After a few months of mulling it over (mostly all by myself, passing the ball around to me, myself and I) the best conclusion 'we' could come up with is it really is up to 'us'. One can only 'go with the flow' for so long before decisions need to be made that would lead to some semblance of certainty. By that, I don't mean so much practical decisions. I mean emotional ones.
Truth be told, yes, I would like to live here in the UK a little while. To see what life out here is like, compared to life back home. I'd like to at least get a chance to work here for a while, just to see what it's like. To see whether I'd like it or not. So far, I don't really mind the weather (a nice change to the consistently over-32 degrees back home) and surprisingly enough, I don't really miss the food back home as badly as I thought I would. The deliciously spice-laden curries, the juicy classic satay, the calorie-packed roti chanai - all nice and hot and heavenly.
But with all major decision-making moments, the big issue with this one is not as much the practicality of things, but the emotional side of it. Am trying to figure out exactly what is the nucleus of this 'problem'. Must meditate on this. Must try to be as honest with myself as I possibly can about this, so I can get to the bottom of of it.
*oooouuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....*
Nope, it's not working. Got sidetracked finding an image of roti chanai for this post. *sigh* Am I not taking this as seriously as I ought to? No... must be the ADHD.
Anyway, Isn't it funny how sometimes we think we're in control of our lives, but in reality we couldn't be any further from the truth? I have to admit, the only time in my life (that I can recall - I swear I have long term memory retention disability) when I felt like I was in charge was waaaay back when I was sitting for my final highschool exams. I knew where I wanted to be, what I wanted to score and how I was going to accomplish it. Everything else was pushed aside, into the peripherals of life back then. I think I seriously started to work on revisions and exercises roughly three months before the finals. For some strange reason, I can still remember making a revision schedule for that three months and squeezing in all those chapters for all those subjects into all those time slots that were available. There went the hours watching television in the afternoons and the tea time breaks with friends at the local coffee shops. It was time to get busy, get going. There were clear goals and deadlines to meet. And in the end, I did pretty well for a girl from a small town called Kuala Kubu Bharu. Well enough to secure me an admission to study at a university in the US.
But at that point, I had to let go of the reins. Decisions were made by others and I was naive enough to 'obey'. I wanted to take up psychology because that was what my heart wanted. But they said there's more 'opportunity' in Marketing. So I got a BA in Marketing and Human Resource Management.
Yay.
I was right. I should have studied psychology. I still want to study psychology. Don't ask me why, I just do. Just like I know I like the colour turquoise. Or that I like the scent of bergamont. It's not a conscious choice; if anything it probably comes from the sub-conscious. And who has time to sit down and figure out everything that comes from the sub-conscious, right?
Anyway, so I studied something I didn't have 100% of my heart in. Then I took up a job in Marketing where, unfortunately the work environment wasn't exactly conducive to actually applying what I'd learned or developing and adding to the theoretical foundations I had gained at university. (Yes, I am being rather polite with this comment). You know those annoying individuals who go to work excitedly, saying 'I'm doing what I really enjoy, and I'm getting paid to do it!'? Well I wasn't one of them. I did get closer to that though, when I worked as a travel writer (and before that, when I did a stint as a cast member in a very brief, very short theatre production in Kuala Lumpur - and managed not to forget my lines). Which proves to show that happiness lay in the path chosen from your gut instinct. It took me eight years to be in a place where I was able to have the choice (and the guts) to do what I wanted to do. (Ok, let's not bring the whole book writing thing into this conversation. Not just yet.)
Thinking back, I should have just bailed out of that marketing job earlier. I stayed there more out of obligation and fear. Obligation I felt I had towards my parents and fear of not being able to support myself. So for five years, I trudged over to work uninspired. To be honest, the only thing that made me resign in the end was because I was, by that time, depressed. In retrospect, I was quite clinically depressed, I'm sure. All the classic symptoms were there. But back then, people didn't really talk about depression. It wasn't really addressed. For all I know there might have been some counseling resource in that blue-chip company that could have helped. But I was just too ignorant, too naive, too un-intrusive and too depressed to give a toss at that point.
Just ended a chat with Mike. Where was I?
Ah, yes. Anyway, major life decisions should only be made based on your gut instincts. At least that way, you won't have anyone else to blame but yourself if things go belly up. It should never be made because you feel obliged, because you feel you owe someone something or because you're too fearful of making a mistake by choosing what you 'feel' is the right thing to do. Save yourself and others the grief of your indecision, bite the bullet and take responsibility for whatever the outcome is. Face the music. Errr... well... you know what I mean. :)
Truth be told, yes, I would like to live here in the UK a little while. To see what life out here is like, compared to life back home. I'd like to at least get a chance to work here for a while, just to see what it's like. To see whether I'd like it or not. So far, I don't really mind the weather (a nice change to the consistently over-32 degrees back home) and surprisingly enough, I don't really miss the food back home as badly as I thought I would. The deliciously spice-laden curries, the juicy classic satay, the calorie-packed roti chanai - all nice and hot and heavenly.
But with all major decision-making moments, the big issue with this one is not as much the practicality of things, but the emotional side of it. Am trying to figure out exactly what is the nucleus of this 'problem'. Must meditate on this. Must try to be as honest with myself as I possibly can about this, so I can get to the bottom of of it.
*oooouuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....*
Nope, it's not working. Got sidetracked finding an image of roti chanai for this post. *sigh* Am I not taking this as seriously as I ought to? No... must be the ADHD.
Anyway, Isn't it funny how sometimes we think we're in control of our lives, but in reality we couldn't be any further from the truth? I have to admit, the only time in my life (that I can recall - I swear I have long term memory retention disability) when I felt like I was in charge was waaaay back when I was sitting for my final highschool exams. I knew where I wanted to be, what I wanted to score and how I was going to accomplish it. Everything else was pushed aside, into the peripherals of life back then. I think I seriously started to work on revisions and exercises roughly three months before the finals. For some strange reason, I can still remember making a revision schedule for that three months and squeezing in all those chapters for all those subjects into all those time slots that were available. There went the hours watching television in the afternoons and the tea time breaks with friends at the local coffee shops. It was time to get busy, get going. There were clear goals and deadlines to meet. And in the end, I did pretty well for a girl from a small town called Kuala Kubu Bharu. Well enough to secure me an admission to study at a university in the US.
But at that point, I had to let go of the reins. Decisions were made by others and I was naive enough to 'obey'. I wanted to take up psychology because that was what my heart wanted. But they said there's more 'opportunity' in Marketing. So I got a BA in Marketing and Human Resource Management.
Yay.
I was right. I should have studied psychology. I still want to study psychology. Don't ask me why, I just do. Just like I know I like the colour turquoise. Or that I like the scent of bergamont. It's not a conscious choice; if anything it probably comes from the sub-conscious. And who has time to sit down and figure out everything that comes from the sub-conscious, right?
Anyway, so I studied something I didn't have 100% of my heart in. Then I took up a job in Marketing where, unfortunately the work environment wasn't exactly conducive to actually applying what I'd learned or developing and adding to the theoretical foundations I had gained at university. (Yes, I am being rather polite with this comment). You know those annoying individuals who go to work excitedly, saying 'I'm doing what I really enjoy, and I'm getting paid to do it!'? Well I wasn't one of them. I did get closer to that though, when I worked as a travel writer (and before that, when I did a stint as a cast member in a very brief, very short theatre production in Kuala Lumpur - and managed not to forget my lines). Which proves to show that happiness lay in the path chosen from your gut instinct. It took me eight years to be in a place where I was able to have the choice (and the guts) to do what I wanted to do. (Ok, let's not bring the whole book writing thing into this conversation. Not just yet.)Thinking back, I should have just bailed out of that marketing job earlier. I stayed there more out of obligation and fear. Obligation I felt I had towards my parents and fear of not being able to support myself. So for five years, I trudged over to work uninspired. To be honest, the only thing that made me resign in the end was because I was, by that time, depressed. In retrospect, I was quite clinically depressed, I'm sure. All the classic symptoms were there. But back then, people didn't really talk about depression. It wasn't really addressed. For all I know there might have been some counseling resource in that blue-chip company that could have helped. But I was just too ignorant, too naive, too un-intrusive and too depressed to give a toss at that point.
Just ended a chat with Mike. Where was I?
Ah, yes. Anyway, major life decisions should only be made based on your gut instincts. At least that way, you won't have anyone else to blame but yourself if things go belly up. It should never be made because you feel obliged, because you feel you owe someone something or because you're too fearful of making a mistake by choosing what you 'feel' is the right thing to do. Save yourself and others the grief of your indecision, bite the bullet and take responsibility for whatever the outcome is. Face the music. Errr... well... you know what I mean. :)
Comments